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Why You're Still Single: You're Unknowingly Limiting Your Lifestyle
How to Get a Guy to Like You - 4 Must-Remember Tips
Relationship Advice for Men - The Neediness Phenomenon Why Most Relationships Fail (It's Inevitable)
Relationship Wisdom: Stonewalling Versus Criticising
In an intimate relationship there are common dynamics of interactions. One of them I deal with in couple clients is the stonewalling versus criticising dynamic. This dynamic is one that can become entrenched in a couple's engagement with each other and lead to severe dissatisfaction with the relationship.
What relationship research shows
Relationship expert Dr John Gottman, who researched couples for the past 40 years, has coined the term of the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships', which lead to marital disaster. Two of the four steps are criticism and stonewalling.
According to his research 85% of men are stonewallers where the majority of women are critics. Stonewalling means that the person disengages from the conversation, pretending to still be part of it by being physically present, but giving minimal verbal feedback. Energetically the person has already left the interaction.
The stonewalling-critic dynamic
Often when there is a critic (usually but not exclusively women) and a skilled stonewaller the dynamic quickly starts to run and leads into an unhealthy cycle where one role feeds the other.
The critic starts sending out messages, which might not even be criticism at the beginning. The stonewaller starts to engage as he is usually very sensitive to being criticised and hears any comment as critical. To avoid any further comments or interactions, he intensifies the 'dis-engagement'. This infuriates the critic as all she wants is for him to at least engage and say something. In this moment, the critic might up the ante and actually say something critical, just to get a reaction. At this point the stonewaller will shut down the interactions until the situation has cooled down again.
Influences of personalities
Depending on the personalities involved in this dynamic and how long it takes one or the other to cool down and whether and when they are ready to lead into repair mechanism this dynamic can either very quickly lead into a spiral downward to marital disaster or just be a repeated pattern of a relationship.
Especially when stress levels are up, it is more likely for this dynamic to endanger the relationship as none of the two might have much energy left to lend a hand and start to climb back up to martial harmony.
The way out of the dynamic
Depending on the level of self-awareness and reflection, a couple will easily be able to work together towards harmony. Often what it needs is the ability to allow vulnerability and openness to let each other in what is going on for each side of the dynamic. This especially requires the critic to let go or tone down criticism and for the stonewaller to be ready to engage and be open.
If you as a coupe encounter challenges when trying to repair, make sure to ask a trained and unbiased professional for help.
Is Your Definition of Love a Mismatch With Your S.O.?
Even professional women can't always translate some men's way they might try to express love, so they feel they are truly loved. It may seem funny to people, who may have been in a committed relationship like marriage for many years that they still might not receive a message of love the way it is being communicated by the lover.
Five different ways some men communicate they care.
1) "Honey, I changed the oil in your car this morning" is an example of showing love by doing something the other feels is special or in this case is keeping his special lady safe.
2) "I love you", is what many women want to hear-often, not just on Valentine's Day.
3) Greets you with a hug, kiss and a look that says "I love you" is for women who like to be touched in a caring way. Caution gentlemen: please be sure to be gentle and that it does not mean you just want sex.
4) Brings you flowers/candy or some other thoughtful gift he knows you like. Giving gifts, again not just on holidays can reassure some women they are loved.
5) Pre-plans a special getaway or just some time alone with his one and only, making sure there are no interruptions. Some women find spending time with them really shows the relationship is important to their men.
What can go wrong do you think if a man's way to show love is not the same way the woman wants to be reassured she is loved? Bet you can guess she may feel he really doesn't love her, at least not as much as she may love him.
How to bridge the love language gap!
It may sound simple, but actually asking a spouse/significant other how they would like you to show you love her is the best suggestion I have for men. Since there are two people in the relationship, I also invite the woman to ask him how he prefers to be shown he is loved. Some men might surprise you by asking you to cook his favorite meal on a holiday, or tell him you love him! I believe as women we sometimes want a person who has committed to us to read our minds. Ever have a friend tell you that her husband should know after five (or more) years what she wants to prove his continuing love?
Clear communication how you want your significant other to show love can bridge the gap if his language of love is different from yours! Remember also he might have the same challenge of expecting you to know what he needs, so ask him how you can let him know he is still your one and only!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Do You Need Help Winning Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Some women are lucky enough not to encounter any trouble when trying to win their ex boyfriends back. This is mostly because they know exactly what they want, so they approach the process with confidence and end up back in their ex lovers' arms as if nothing tore them apart to begin with. Not every woman is that confident, though. In fact, most women are clueless and worried when it comes to trying to win their ex back.
So, if you are a woman and you need a confidence boost in winning your ex boyfriend back, then here are several suggestions that may come in handy for you:
1. Talk about your feelings through song.
If you have no idea what to say when winning your ex boyfriend back, then try to use songs to tell him how you feel. If you can sing well, then sing him a song. If you can't, then ask somebody else to do it or just play the songs on a media player of some sort, or share a playlist with him through the Internet.
2. Get emotional through text.
Text messages would be another great tool in winning your ex boyfriend back because they can help you tell him how you truly feel. Texts would be especially helpful if you find yourself tongue-tied whenever you actually see your ex in person because nothing will hold you back if you get to process your words and thoughts beforehand. The best part is that you can change your words as needed before sending your text messages, as well.
3. Get friends to help you out.
If you think that your chances of winning your ex boyfriend back are incredibly low at the moment, then you might want to turn to some of your most trusted friends for help. If you and your ex have common friends, then ask one of them to help you win him back. You need to be very careful when it comes to this, though. Ideally, you should make sure that your common friend understands you and only has your best interests at heart. See, if you end up contacting a common friend who sides with your ex, then things could get even worse for you than they already are. In other words, just be very careful in terms of who you trust and what you do. This will ensure that you are met with the utmost success in the end.