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Why You're Still Single: You're Unknowingly Limiting Your Lifestyle
How to Get a Guy to Like You - 4 Must-Remember Tips
Relationship Advice for Men - The Neediness Phenomenon Why Most Relationships Fail (It's Inevitable)
Relationship Wisdom: Stonewalling Versus Criticising
In an intimate relationship there are common dynamics of interactions. One of them I deal with in couple clients is the stonewalling versus criticising dynamic. This dynamic is one that can become entrenched in a couple's engagement with each other and lead to severe dissatisfaction with the relationship.
What relationship research shows
Relationship expert Dr John Gottman, who researched couples for the past 40 years, has coined the term of the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships', which lead to marital disaster. Two of the four steps are criticism and stonewalling.
According to his research 85% of men are stonewallers where the majority of women are critics. Stonewalling means that the person disengages from the conversation, pretending to still be part of it by being physically present, but giving minimal verbal feedback. Energetically the person has already left the interaction.
The stonewalling-critic dynamic
Often when there is a critic (usually but not exclusively women) and a skilled stonewaller the dynamic quickly starts to run and leads into an unhealthy cycle where one role feeds the other.
The critic starts sending out messages, which might not even be criticism at the beginning. The stonewaller starts to engage as he is usually very sensitive to being criticised and hears any comment as critical. To avoid any further comments or interactions, he intensifies the 'dis-engagement'. This infuriates the critic as all she wants is for him to at least engage and say something. In this moment, the critic might up the ante and actually say something critical, just to get a reaction. At this point the stonewaller will shut down the interactions until the situation has cooled down again.
Influences of personalities
Depending on the personalities involved in this dynamic and how long it takes one or the other to cool down and whether and when they are ready to lead into repair mechanism this dynamic can either very quickly lead into a spiral downward to marital disaster or just be a repeated pattern of a relationship.
Especially when stress levels are up, it is more likely for this dynamic to endanger the relationship as none of the two might have much energy left to lend a hand and start to climb back up to martial harmony.
The way out of the dynamic
Depending on the level of self-awareness and reflection, a couple will easily be able to work together towards harmony. Often what it needs is the ability to allow vulnerability and openness to let each other in what is going on for each side of the dynamic. This especially requires the critic to let go or tone down criticism and for the stonewaller to be ready to engage and be open.
If you as a coupe encounter challenges when trying to repair, make sure to ask a trained and unbiased professional for help.
Is Your Definition of Love a Mismatch With Your S.O.?
Even professional women can't always translate some men's way they might try to express love, so they feel they are truly loved. It may seem funny to people, who may have been in a committed relationship like marriage for many years that they still might not receive a message of love the way it is being communicated by the lover.
Five different ways some men communicate they care.
1) "Honey, I changed the oil in your car this morning" is an example of showing love by doing something the other feels is special or in this case is keeping his special lady safe.
2) "I love you", is what many women want to hear-often, not just on Valentine's Day.
3) Greets you with a hug, kiss and a look that says "I love you" is for women who like to be touched in a caring way. Caution gentlemen: please be sure to be gentle and that it does not mean you just want sex.
4) Brings you flowers/candy or some other thoughtful gift he knows you like. Giving gifts, again not just on holidays can reassure some women they are loved.
5) Pre-plans a special getaway or just some time alone with his one and only, making sure there are no interruptions. Some women find spending time with them really shows the relationship is important to their men.
What can go wrong do you think if a man's way to show love is not the same way the woman wants to be reassured she is loved? Bet you can guess she may feel he really doesn't love her, at least not as much as she may love him.
How to bridge the love language gap!
It may sound simple, but actually asking a spouse/significant other how they would like you to show you love her is the best suggestion I have for men. Since there are two people in the relationship, I also invite the woman to ask him how he prefers to be shown he is loved. Some men might surprise you by asking you to cook his favorite meal on a holiday, or tell him you love him! I believe as women we sometimes want a person who has committed to us to read our minds. Ever have a friend tell you that her husband should know after five (or more) years what she wants to prove his continuing love?
Clear communication how you want your significant other to show love can bridge the gap if his language of love is different from yours! Remember also he might have the same challenge of expecting you to know what he needs, so ask him how you can let him know he is still your one and only!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Do You Need Help Winning Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Some women are lucky enough not to encounter any trouble when trying to win their ex boyfriends back. This is mostly because they know exactly what they want, so they approach the process with confidence and end up back in their ex lovers' arms as if nothing tore them apart to begin with. Not every woman is that confident, though. In fact, most women are clueless and worried when it comes to trying to win their ex back.
So, if you are a woman and you need a confidence boost in winning your ex boyfriend back, then here are several suggestions that may come in handy for you:
1. Talk about your feelings through song.
If you have no idea what to say when winning your ex boyfriend back, then try to use songs to tell him how you feel. If you can sing well, then sing him a song. If you can't, then ask somebody else to do it or just play the songs on a media player of some sort, or share a playlist with him through the Internet.
2. Get emotional through text.
Text messages would be another great tool in winning your ex boyfriend back because they can help you tell him how you truly feel. Texts would be especially helpful if you find yourself tongue-tied whenever you actually see your ex in person because nothing will hold you back if you get to process your words and thoughts beforehand. The best part is that you can change your words as needed before sending your text messages, as well.
3. Get friends to help you out.
If you think that your chances of winning your ex boyfriend back are incredibly low at the moment, then you might want to turn to some of your most trusted friends for help. If you and your ex have common friends, then ask one of them to help you win him back. You need to be very careful when it comes to this, though. Ideally, you should make sure that your common friend understands you and only has your best interests at heart. See, if you end up contacting a common friend who sides with your ex, then things could get even worse for you than they already are. In other words, just be very careful in terms of who you trust and what you do. This will ensure that you are met with the utmost success in the end.
Flowers for Her
This article is for all those people who are confused about what to get for their special ladies as gifts. Buying gifts for her can be quite tricky. Sometimes, you may just wish to take her shopping, letting her purchase what she feels like. But that ruins the element of surprise that makes gifts truly exciting. Whatever you choose for the special lady, never forget to add flowers. Flowers are rarely disliked. They should not be the only gift, but they should be one of the gifts. But, even finding the perfect flowers is an arduous task. You need to know what she likes. After all, the flowers are meant for her. So, the first thing to do is to find out what flowers she likes. A lot of times, the flowers may just be something that is associated with a special memory. You can also consider if she would like to keep the flowers you give in the house, will they go with the interior decor? If you still are unable to figure out what flowers to get, then you should just get flowers that signify love or beauty, whatever you want to convey.
White roses look absolutely stunning. Their pristine beauty also conveys purity. Get full bloom or rose buds, whatever you feel is more suitable. But if you want to convey purity, then there cannot be any flower more suitable than white roses. But if you want to go for flowers that are less predictable, then you can get white lilies or gardenias. The color white is important. It's the color that makes the flowers signify purity. If you want to tell her about your passionate love for her, then red should be the color of the flowers, nothing else. Red roses, red tulips, red peonies, red ambrosia, etc. Again, the color matters more. Red was and will always be associated with love. So there's not going wrong with the color. Get roses for her if you think she likes them, but sometimes, going with uncommon flowers can get you brownie points too. If you want to gift flowers to your friends, then you would definitely know her favorite flowers. But, if you don't, then you can get her pink or yellow roses, or carnations and even orchids. These are also perfect if you want to congratulate someone for a job well done or for a promotion. Orchids are exotic, fashionable flowers, and they may be the right choice for an occasion like a house-warming party, or an after party. For children, the best flowers are rose buds or sunflowers. Sunflowers are adorable flowers and your daughter might just love their vibrancy.
Once you have made up your mind about the flowers, you have to decide how it should be wrapped. Do you it to be wrapped with glitters, in shiny, decorative paper or do you want it to be given in a simple bouquet. When you are deciding all this, think in terms of the woman the flowers are meant for. Personalizing the bouquets by adding a message or a small gift should make the flowers just perfect. There is nothing more heartening than a personalized bouquet.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Dating Advice For Men - F Is for Friend Zone
Competition Is Never a Blueprint for Living
Tragedy and Reflection - A Spiritual Perspective
When Dating, Keep Your Eye on the Prize
If you are dating or new to the singles scene and thinking about dating, let me ask you this: What are your goals? Are you looking for a life partner? Companionship? A fun sexual relationship? Close your eyes and take a moment to focus on this. When an answer comes to you, read on.
If you've had difficult dating experiences, dating can feel like a hassle; and thus it's easy to lose sight of why you're doing it in the first place. Meeting new people and trying new things can be very satisfying and fun, especially when you're feeling the best about yourself, doing things you enjoy, and-particularly when it feels like a hassle- reminding yourself of your own unique goal. Feeling good about yourself while dating is not always easy. Most have found themselves-sometimes even routinely- in less than perfect dating situations. There's no need to put yourself down when you hit a few road bumps. Instead, reach within to access internal sources of strength to make your dating life the best it can be.
Dating works best for you when you are feeling good about yourself. One reason dating can sometimes be difficult might be because of the negative messages you tell yourself that interfere with your ability to feel your best when connecting with a new person. What are the negative messages you tell yourself that take away from feeling your best? These messages may be related to what you believe dating will be like ("I won't have fun" or "It will be a waste of time.") Other messages may be related to the singles scene ("there are no good wo/men out there. Everyone good is already taken!") Negative self-talk also can be about fear of rejection ("I won't be able to handle rejection") or feeling not great about yourself ("I am not attractive enough"). Whatever flavor of negative self-talk you participate in, you no longer need to fall victim to the voices inside your head. For every negative message you hold there's a positive one you can access to make dating even more enjoyable!
It is natural to have "collected" some negative messages through bad dating experiences and when these messages sound a little bit too loud, it is time to consider using some tools to turn those speakers down. Think about some of the beliefs or attitudes you have about yourself that get in your own way; and make a commitment to attack them forcefully and head-on!
A very effective way to defeat that negative voice in your head is to write down a list of these self-defeating beliefs, words, or attitudes that affect your ability to feel good while dating. Include all of the ways that you put yourself down. Next, read each item to yourself one by one and come up with a positive affirmation that opposes the negative message about yourself. Challenge those negative beliefs by asking yourself, "Is this completely true?" For example, if you tell yourself "I am not attractive enough," write down all of the evidence against this statement. If you listed "there is no one good out there", remind yourself that you are out there dating, aren't you?! If your fear is about your ability to handle rejection, write down "Nothing really consequential will happen to me if I am rejected and- in fact by being rejected-I may even prove to myself that I don't need to fear rejection in the future." If you are sure you won't have fun or will be wasting your time, you can add to your list "I may even meet someone I'd like to see again (!)."
After coming up with your positive affirmations, or pieces of positive self-talk, write them down on index cards to keep around your home, in your wallet or in your car. Don't only look at these before attempting to go out to meet someone or going on a date! Look at these affirmations regularly or at least on a daily basis so that they become your new thinking habits. As you practice internalizing these positive and factual messages, eventually you'll almost certainly find that the positive ones become automatic and triumphantly replace those obsolete negative ones-permanently!
Remember-you are dating for a reason! Have fun! And when dating isn't as fun as you'd like, remember to use this tool, or some of the others that I offer in my book Stage Climbing: The Shortest Path to Your Highest Potential.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Reconciling With Your Husband
Online Dating Success Rate
How to Make Your Online Dating Quest More Successful
Different Forms of Online Dating Sites
How to Ask a Girl Out Over Text
In the 21st century it is not unheard of to ask a girl out via text messaging. Gone are the days of calling or arriving on her doorstep with hat in hand and asking.
In fact, these days, texting for a date can save a great deal of time. Imagine a guy has met a girl some place; he is interested, she is interested but each person has other commitments for a few days and thus unable to meet.
In this type of scenario, a text invitation would be most convenient. There also less shock should the girl reject an invitation to go out. Guys feel embarrassed when, after asking a girl for a date, she politely refuses.
It is worse when she rejects him in front of his friends; with a text invitation, no one need know. Men do not like rejection and thus if a guy is going to text an invitation to a girl, he must word the text correctly.
A man should never write a cursory note to a girl like she is one of his buddies, is not going to score him any points, regardless of whether she is interested or not.
Clearly, there are advantages to texting a girl asking for a date and as mentioned, above, it is becoming the norm rather than the exception.
Guys, however, need to seriously consider how to ask a girl out over text before sending it. Obviously this text request is for the first date and thus very important. One silly mistake and a guy may see the girl of his dreams reject him.
So, let's assume this "date asking text" is a follow-up text to the first one sent after meeting the girl. The guy can sense, through her replies, that she is interested in him and now he is ready to ask her out.
The first thing he needs to do is figure out where he is going to take her. Will it be a movie, a romantic dinner followed by a show or concert? This is very important. Just sending a text asking her out is not enough.
She will quite possibly ask, "Where are we going?" She does not want, or need, to read a guy's return text with simply the word "Pub".
Deciding the place to go should be based on what she likes to do. The guy should know her likes and dislikes from their initial meeting - men don't have a choice at this stage of a relationship.
Once the venue is decided the guy must them draft the text he is going to send. Now, it must be short, to the point and understandable. Do not discombobulate her with too many details.
Guys who intend on driving their date to some place should ask where and how they will meet the girl.
For the guys who don't own a vehicle or perhaps have lost their license then perhaps arranging to meet at some well-known place is the only option.
I suppose he could ride over to her house or apartment on a bicycle and spend the evening staring at a TV screen but that is not really a date, is it? If a guy is planning an afternoon excursion to the mountains or a river/beach some place, he should recommend that the girl dress appropriately.
Men should always remember that women dress, not only for a man but also for the venue.
How to ask a girl out over text messaging does not require any special skills just some common sense. Any guy following the above ideas will, I'm sure, have an excellent night or day out.
Finally, make sure that what you write is correct. Do not be lazy and send a text filled with grammar and spelling mistakes. Good luck.
How to Flirt Effectively With a Woman - Tips for Making Her Feel Connected to You
The best flirting that a guy can do is the kind that really makes a woman feel like she is connected to him. If you want to know why some guys can seem to have nothing but success with women, it is usually because they know how to make a woman feel an instant sense of connection with them. Of course, just knowing that this is something that you want to be able to do doesn't mean that you are actually going to be able to do it. This article is going to show you some tips on how you can flirt with a woman so that she does start to feel a connection with you.
Here are a few tips for flirting effectively with a woman:
1) A shared joke can go a long way towards building rapport with a woman.
If you can, try to find something that you and her have in common that you can joke about. It doesn't have to be the best joke ever, just something that both of you can relate to in a funny way. For example, if you find out that you both have pretty monotonous jobs, that is something that you can joke about and it is something that you both have in common.
2) Connect with her through the eyes.
This really is one of the best ways to make a woman feel like she has made a rare connection with you. If you ask most women, they will almost all say that they do pay attention to a guy's eyes. Thankfully, if you perfect your gaze, you don't have to have those dreamy blue eyes that you think you have to have to really connect with a woman.
3) Use a little physical contact when you are flirting with her.
People that know each other tend to touch each other in certain ways when they are talking. Well, at least if they really feel like they share a connection with one another they will. If you want to make her feel that way when she is around you, don't be afraid to use a little bit of physical contact. Sometimes something as simple as a hand on her shoulder while you are looking at her is all you have to do.
You really do need to know how to flirt with a woman if you are looking to get better in general as far as dating goes. A man who doesn't know how to make a woman feel like she is connected to him is a man who is probably going to be spending some alone time, if you know what I mean.