Single mothers are one of the most controversial dating arrangements for young men without children to encounter. It is a social norm by family and friends to discourage men without children to get involved in these types of arrangements. One thing that is rarely addressed is the change that will have to occur for the single man without children. The first element of this change will be the acceptance of responsibility beyond the scope of his personal interest. This means that the young man will have to think in the plural form instead of the singular.
Often, young men may confuse being macho with being a man when it comes to assuming the responsibility associated with dating a single mother. However, there are some major considerations before agreeing to pursue a relationship with a woman with children. It would be unfair to discount her value due to the fact that she has children, but you would also want to ensure that by engaging in this relationship would not later foster resentment. There are no guarantees in any relationship that challenges and hardships will not occur, but the focus is to minimize the probability of those things happening.
Besides learning how to share resources such as money, times, emotion, and caring, you must develop a respectable relationship with the children and extended family. This is important because the foundation of the relationship is not just with you and the mother, but must also include the children. Another observation that a young man should observe with a single mother is the relationship between she and the children. If you notice that she is not a good mother, then that is a red flag that she may not be a good partner in a relationship. The logic is that if she would not treat the children that she created fairly, "What would be the incentive to change and treat you fairly?" So motherhood skills should also fall into the consideration portfolio before dating a single mother.
You should understand that there may be a high probability that the father of the children will have to play a role in their lives. Therefore it would be required to have a very open-mind to foster a good relationship with the father in the best interest of the children. The obvious devil-in-the-details for most men are assuming another man's responsibility. This is the very essence of the social scorn thrust upon single mothers. You will have to examine the value of growing with her and the children and assisting and watching them develop into productive citizens of society.
The thought of being second is another reality that you must consider when it comes to priorities in a relationship. The children should and will always come first in the relationship and this is hard for some men to stomach. Of course no one likes to be thought of as secondary, but that is a reality that you must accept when pursuing a relationship with a single mother. A woman that places a man over the interest of her children is another red flag because again a values issue is raised.
You will become someone to be looked up to immediately in the relationship by the children and therefore moderations may have to be made in your language skills, managing anger, and lifestyle choices such as smoking and other endeavors. If you are thinking about dating the single mother just for the sexual pleasure it is definitely not worth it compared to the risk. Another unmentioned reality is that some men fear dating single mothers due to the probability of having another child. This is something to examine carefully with her prior to pursuing a relationship. If she has had her tubes tied and can verify it or have no intention of having another child then it should be established up front. An old trick in the past was for single mothers to lure a man into a relationship on the prospect of having children without the intention of doing so in the first place, but instead to get him. It is best to sort the agendas early to avoid wasting time for the both of you.
Single mothers with children from multiple fathers is a greater challenge for you in that there are more relationships that have to be established branching form the one between you and her. The more complex the situation becomes, the harder the relationship will become to manage.
The standards of judging the single mother on a physical basis should be different that judging a woman in your peer-group without kids in respect to a relationship. Stretch-marks, baby-fat, and a more managed time-structure for the relationship are realities that you must work to cope with allowing your love this individual to compensate for the physical short-comings. You will also have to be a bit more sensitive when it comes to matters related to the hardships she may have experienced during the break-up between the fathers of the children.
Also, you will definitely need a plan and a great job to sustain the family and therefore it would be best to finish your education and get a very good job first. So many times guys will fall in love and then talk about working on the mechanics of continuing education and rarely do they have the opportunity because the financial burdens of the family do not take vacations. You will have to plan with her on a future for the child that means putting aside funds for college in the future and assuming the role of a father.
Now, before any of this can take place, the kids must like you first because they will have the deciding vote in the relationship and will carry a lot of weight in it. The best practice is to avoid meeting the kids if you are not going to pursue a relationship with the mother and children. The last thing the kids will need is another broken promise in their lives. If you and the single mother just want to pursue a sexual affair only, then it is strongly advised not to meet the children and to ensure that you use protection.
Maturity plays a big role in the development of these relationships and most often the single mother has matured to the level of responsibility of supporting her children and therefore as an outsider you must not criticize her parenting skills in a negative way. Instead if you are serious about a relationship with her, assists her in developing the skills, and avoids criticizing the children. You will need to recognize quickly whether or not it is the proper situation for you because the longer you wait the worse it will get.
Before going after the attractive woman who informs you about her children, you should really use your critical thinking skills and fully understand the life-altering situation you are getting into.
This article is brought to you by Relationships Advice Blog.
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