Enmeshment: What Is Enmeshment?

The word enmeshment is often used in the world of psychology, therapy and in every day relationships. These could be with family, friends and with intimate relationships.

On the en.wiktionary.org website, enmeshment is described as: The state of being enmeshed; entanglement. And if something is entangled, it means that it is caught up and is therefore - not free.

Examples

When I think of something being tangled up, I think of a piece of wire or someone with long hair. This could be wire that has been caught up in a fence or in another piece of wire. And hair that's long and untidy and has become caught up in other hairs.

Or another example that comes to mind is Christmas lights; Lights that haven't been put away properly and have ended up being wrapped around the faux Christmas tree branches or decorations.

These are ell examples of something that has been entangled and is no longer untangled and free.

Human Beings

On a physical level, human beings are clearly separate from each other; unless they hold hands, hug or are chained together for example. And so this means that enmeshment is not something that is physical in nature. It could manifest as being physical, but that is purely a consequence of what has come before it.

And if it is not physical, it must mean that is has to do with that is not physical. By this I mean emotions, thoughts, feelings ands sensations.

Enmeshment

Because although one can be physically separate from another person, this does not mean that one is emotionally separate from them or that one's thoughts are their own creation.

It can be that one's thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations are completely depended on another person. And this person is defining ones mental and emotional wellbeing.

So instead of their being two separate people or three or four, depending on the type of relationship, there will be one entity. There is likely to be a dominant person within that entity and the rest of the people will be directly affected by this person.

Different systems

This could be an intimate relationship where two people have no sense of individuality or identity. And are then entangled to each other mentally and emotional. There emotional and mental wellbeing is not self-directed.

Another example is within groups of friends, where people follow the leader of the group and do whatever is suggested. How they would like to behave or what they would like to do; is unknown to them. To follow the other person is normal and all they know.

The Family System

And then there is the family system and this is likely to be where the enmeshment actually started in the beginning. In this type of family, separation and individuality is prohibited at all costs. This does not mean that is literally spelt out or expressed through words. It is likely to be shown in the actions of the primary caregiver.

A man could take this role and so could a women; for it doesn't mean primary nurturer, it means the caregiver that is in charge.

At the very root of this family system, is not freedom of feeling, thought and action. Whoever the dominant figure in the family is, will be the one who decides what is allowed and what is not allowed to be expressed.

Expression

This will mean that a Childs unique expression will be denied, ignored and repressed. And this will relate to anyone else who is part of this family dynamic. What this child: feels, thinks and senses, will not be mirrored or acknowledged; it will be dismissed.

And replaced with the accepted: feelings thoughts and behaviours in that environment. This means that one will learn to distrust their internal processes. What these internal processes are made up of are: feelings, thoughts, emotions, senses, insights and hunches for example.

However as a result of these being dismissed in the early environment, the child will grow up having to look outside for guidance; because the inner guidance is no longer available.

Dependence

And if this is the case, one is then completely depend on the advice of another person. This will be as a child and as an adult, if one doesn't deal with this form of abuse. So what at first was met with resistance and frustration, will often be accepted without resistance as an adult

By then, one has probably forgotten about what remains hidden inside. But as a child one was close and connected to their inner aspects. And due to one being emotionally undeveloped, there is likely to be very little choice.

Sense Of Self

If one is out of touch with themselves and enmeshed to another person, it is clear to see that a sense of self is lacking. It was lacking in the caregivers and was then passed on to the next generation.

The caregivers were probably completely unaware of what they were doing. And out of their pain and misery; they perpetuated the same situation in their children.

Needs

In the very beginning, ones caregivers needs were likely to have been denied and their emotional and mental development would have been stunted. This means that they would have been needy and were likely to have felt a sense of emptiness and doubt in their resourcefulness as people.

And as a way to regulate those feelings, thoughts, emotions and sensations from their past, they attached themselves to their offspring and to the other people in their adult lives.

This will enable them to regulate their feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, hopelessness, and the absence of their sense of self.

Boundaries

What this also means, is that boundaries are not in existence. In this family dynamic, no one has an idea of where they begin and end and where another begins and ends. It is just one mass, where compromise and abuse is the rule and not the exception.

And as their caregivers where the same and the relationships that came after that; the patterns have simply continued.

Breaking Away

For one to break away from enmeshment, it will require awareness. There is likely to be two things that could stop one from developing boundaries and to put an end to being enmeshed. I would like to add that there will be times when one is enmeshed, it is part of the human experience, and it is only dysfunctional when this is the only relationship model that one has.

So, these two aspects will be guilt and fear. If one has only known what it's like to be enmeshed to other people and has never known what it feels like to be an individual that has boundaries, it will be normal and natural to feel fear about one's ability to survive as an individual.

And guilt, because, as a child's ones needs and other forms of expression would have been secondary to those of the caregivers needs. So what could be classed as illogical guilt could appear when ever one puts their needs first or responds to their needs

Who Am I

The ego mind may also cause one to question who they are and this again is normal as the ego mind has formed an association of familiarity and safety around being enmeshed.

And as the ego minds identity is based on the past and a combination of the past; as soon as the familiar is changed, the ego mind will become unstable.

Awareness

So although being enmeshed is dysfunctional and detrimental to ones growth as a human being, the ego mind is familiar with it. This will mean that these associations will have to be changed. And this means it would be beneficial to seek assistance through a therapist, healer or whoever one sees fit.

One will also have to realise their personal power. As for so long this would have been based on another person and one would have felt like a parasite. This again is based on the early childhood relationship, where ones caregivers didn't allow one to realise their strength.

Which means the ego mind would have associated as sense of power and strength as being attainable through another person, when in reality this is something that exists within and within only.

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Lies: The Termites of Relationships - Why Do We Lie and How Can We Stop?

We all do it. According to some scientific surveys - and some studies pioneered by psychologist Paul Ekman, an innovator in the study of the relationship between people's emotions and their facial expressions - most people will tell an average of three lies in a typical 10-minute conversation.

We like to categorize them, so we can rationalize them. Little white lies, the ones we tell our parents when we don't want to visit them or the ones we tell our bosses when we want to play hooky, are the most common ones. Sure, honey, I got the oil changed - then you get up early the next morning and get it done. These lies are every day lies, and whenever we tell them, we usually end up working a little harder than we need to in order to keep them under wraps.

Then there are the big lies, the nuclear lies, that we take more seriously. For couples, these lies are usually about affairs, past sexual partners or even medical conditions. These are the kinds of lies that can end a relationship.

But why do we do it? Why is it that so many of us seem to have a reasonably casual relationship with the truth?

In our experience, the primary culprit seems to be self-esteem. We want our partners to have a positive image of us, so when we are challenged on something that might make us seem less than perfect - like forgetting to get the oil changed in the car - we lie about it to maintain a better image for ourselves. That's why we many times won't think twice about deceiving our partners, because we feel it is important to our relationships to maintain that facade. The greater the threat to our self-esteem, the greater the lies. The things we hide can become more dramatic - they could include the ex-girlfriend who was a drug addict or the former boyfriend who was abusive.

We also lie out of convenience, because we may not want to go 10 rounds over forgetting to get the oil changed. The purpose is to maintain order in our personal lives by avoiding smaller conflicts whose impact might be to simply ruin an evening. It also helps us avoid insults and discord, but the real issue is not the lie, but why there would be insults or discord as a result of simply telling the truth.

This is where we get into the yin and the yang of lies, because while we can all nod our heads and agree in concept that dishonesty is bad, we also have to recognize our own behaviors that may actually wind up training our partners to lie to us.

When faced with an unpleasant truth, do we react angrily? Worse, do we react violently? Is our automatic default position to head for negativity when an unpleasant truth is offered up by our partners?

If we do, we may very well be TRAINING our partner to lie to us, because we are not recognizing the concept that it takes courage to tell a partner an unpleasant truth and that courage should be rewarded. Instead of rewarding them, we may instead find ourselves punishing them by our negative reactions.

So before telling the small lies, ask yourself what you're really getting in return for the effort. Would the truth really be that bad? Is the truth so horrible that it is worth the integrity of our relationships to hide it? And if the reaction from your partner is so negative that you can still justify lying, then perhaps the issue isn't your lying, but rather, the fabric of your relationship itself.

Lies can be the termites of relationships because they eat away at them from the inside, quietly and barely detectable. Anger, however, is the dynamite of relationships that will always inevitably lead to a devastating explosion that can lead to irreparable damage.

So, look at your behavior, look at your partner's behavior and understand why you lie before you do it. Maybe you don't have to, because there is no crime in being human and flawed. We all are. The truth shouldn't be so hard to take that we should allow the lies we use to cover it up to destroy the love we worked so hard to build.

And for Pete's sake, change the damn oil. You don't want the car to break down on the way home from work, do you?

Yours in Love,

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird

This article is brought to you by SINGLES.

Enjoying People the Way They Are

To live an abundant life of peace, love, and joy we must connect with our world spiritually. And such connectedness occurs in and through people; the very people in our lives and around us. The abundant life is this: to truly enjoy the company of others. To do this we need to accept people unconditionally.

This seems impossible. How would we achieve this? Let's start this way:

This is a message we can never really hear enough of: find the awareness and develop the will to appreciate beauty everywhere, especially in the people.

Appreciating the beauty in people is an internal and an external thing. Where people are concerned, there are four things we can appreciate: other people's external and internal beauty, as well as our own external and internal beauty.

OTHER PEOPLE'S EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL BEAUTY

It's natural in our humanity to pick and prod at another person's personality, behaviours, and character. Irritated within, we clearly see the differences we don't like. But this default human position is not the way to the abundant life.

We need to take a U-turn.

God has made all people beautiful in their time. Externally every each one is adorned with bodily splendour; a symphony of billions of continuous biological, physiological, and psychological transactions at once - an entire living universe. Our organisms are cities' in their own right.

How could we not see this beauty in another person - in the person we have struggled to forgive, for instance?

Then there is the internal beauty. They, like we, have been made in the image of God, as thinking, feeling, and acting persons of divine worth - of such worth that the Son of God died for them. Others, internally and externally, have been made in specification to the same general blueprint. If our biology and experiences were of these people we would think, feel, and act pretty much as they do.

All people are beautiful - our task, interpersonally, is to find the beauty within each other person.

OUR EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL BEAUTY

We can't truly appreciate other people's external and internal beauty until we can appreciate our own. At this point we must appreciate our beauty; what we're made of; the value that God places on us as individuals; the fact that we are living, breathing human beings with histories, futures, and the present moment.

Our external beauty is manifest in physical form, just like others' is. We have been God-moulded and God-shaped. Not one of us is short on physical beauty, and no one has a world title on it.

Our internal beauty is magnificent. Our spirits are eternal, and therefore we cannot begin to contemplate the value that God has placed on us from before the time we were born.

All people are beautiful - our task, personally, is to find the beauty within us.

***

Appreciating the beauty in people provides us joy in our relationships, and joy in our lives. The more we can see people, including ourselves, as God sees us, the more we will be filled with joy projected toward love and peace.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

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Win Your Ex Boyfriend Back With These 4 Easy Steps Through Text

Losing a boyfriend isn't easy to get over. So, if you want to win your ex boyfriend back, then it would be forgivable if you end up thinking about doing a lot of the mistakes that you shouldn't make in these situations. However, even if you are currently feeling desperate; if you know that acting in certain ways is wrong, then try to avoid doing those things for now. You won't regret it.

Instead, if you want to win your ex boyfriend back, here are 4 easy steps through text that you can follow through text to actually succeed in the end.

Step 1: Consciously make an effort not to seem needy through text.

To be completely frank, you should know that your ex boyfriend will not want to get back together with you if there aren't any challenges involved. So, instead of sending him a ton of whiny text messages, surround yourself with an air of mystery instead. Do not plead for a second chance, but be confident and emotionally stable instead. This will make you look much more valuable in your ex's eyes - that's for sure.

Step 2: Cut your texting ties for a while.

If you want to win your ex boyfriend back, then cutting your ties with him through text would be one of the best ways to do so. This might be hard in the beginning, but if you keep yourself busy, you will be able to mend your pains in no time. Besides, thinking about your ex and the breakup won't help you win him back anyway, nor will it help you find any hidden clues or answers on how to do so.

Step 3: Look for a good moral support system.

Your friends are going to be of the utmost importance right now. If you ever feel the urge to text your ex, text them instead. Get them to try out new activities with you, as well, so you can stop thinking about your ex and the breakup for the time being.

Step 4: Press "rewind" in your head.

You were in a relationship with your ex because you loved certain things about each other, right? Well, if this is the case, then all you really have to do is figure out what he loved about you and then go from there. In other words, just find out why you broke up and what he loved about you, so you can reignite the flame between the two of you through text and win your ex boyfriend back in no time.

This news article is brought to you by FREE ROMANTIC DATING SITE BLOG - where latest news are our top priority.

How to Get a Guy to Fall in Love With You - The Ultimate Guide

He is every man you've ever thought about having. In every angle, he's just perfect. But he's not yours yet. You don't even have any idea if he's noticed you at all. Well, the law of attraction says there's such a thing as making someone fall in love with you. If you want to take your chances, here is a helpful guide on how to get a guy to fall in love with you.

Setting Your Expectations

Take these tips as your psychological preparation. You will need it to keep going.

Be realistic. Even before you get to the business of scheming your way to have him fall for you, acknowledge that your efforts may not be returned the way you expected it to. This is not because of you. It's because just like you have chosen to love him, he can choose who to love. Then again, your optimism counts.

Be ready. Think ahead about what you might do in case Plan A does not work. This means bringing out the persistency in you. Who knows, you might be rewarded. It also means being ready for a surprise. If you play your cards right, and if he comes to his senses, he may get to scoop you right off your feet before you know it.

Working Your Way

The deal is here. Internalize these tips on how to get a guy to fall in love with you and let time do its job.

Be presentable. Smile. Keep your clothes tidy. Don't add to your wardrobe. Its cleanliness that's important. And yes, practice very good hygiene.

Be optimistic. Exude a positive attitude. In case your guy hoards a lot of negative energy, hey may be drawn to you because of your positive attitude.

Be yourself. If you think you have something in your personality that needs to be changed, work on it. Love does work wonders in making you change for the better, so embrace it.

Be reserved. Always keep yourself in check and don't volunteer any information such as your number. The tighter the restraint you exercise, the more you are giving him the chance to come closer to you.

Be with him. Linger around with him. Chat with him a little if he's doing something or just walk with him when you leave work.

Be a bit flirty. Hold his gaze then turn away. If you have the ability to blush voluntarily, do so. It catches his attention.

Be mysterious. Don't be an open book. Never volunteer any information he is not asking for. Let him wonder about you. If he sends you an SMS, if he drops you a friend request, if he leaves a smiley in chat, do not answer them too eagerly. Hold it off for some time. The longer you keep him waiting, the better the excitement.

The tips provided above point to patience and subtlety. How to get a guy to fall in love with you takes time so don't force it. It will come in due time as long as you stay faithful to your goals.

This article is brought to you by FREE PERSONALS.

Tactics for Picking Up Hotties - Having Gorgeous Women Wanting You Any Time

Wouldn't it be great if you could just walk up to any woman anywhere you're at, and within a few minutes leave with her if you so chose? Wouldn't it be awesome to see the stunned, amazed looks on other men's faces as you, although maybe not the best-looking guy in the place, walk out with the best-looking woman in the place? You may think that that's impossible, but you would be wrong. Keep reading to learn how you can do just that.

Eliminating the Negative
You've likely heard that phrase that goes: "I'm my own worst enemy." This is very true in virtually all situations, especially when it comes to picking up women. A lot of guys will see a gorgeous girl and fantasize about walking up to her, charming her, and then leaving with her. However, in reality, tons of negativity, nervousness, and other hindrances stop men from doing this, thinking "A babe like that would never go for a guy like me." Here's where you are, in fact, your own worst enemy. You have to shut that side of you down and eliminate it.

Fear of rejection and seeing yourself as "out of her league" will put you in that very place. That's the only thing that can put you there. Even if you do get shot down, walk away like you walked up to her, with your head held high. Cleanse yourself of your fear and just approach her. She may be impressed by the fact that you did that. Boldness is a nice quality to have.

Abundance Is Not a Myth
In addition to the negative discussed above, there is that fallacy that there are a limited number of women who would want to talk to you. That limit is based upon what you set against yourself. You have to gather the courage to talk to women if you expect them to talk to you. Don't be afraid to make the first move and introduce yourself. You'll be surprised at the results you get.

The Most Interesting Guy... Admit it. You may say you just want a hot girl on your arm, but be honest with yourself. Would her looks be able to paint over a lack of intelligence or the fact that she may be as boring as watching paint dry? Well, the same applies to you. Women like to be made interested and kept that way. The first step in this process is psyching yourself up. When you start believing that you're an interesting man, the rest of the personality will begin to build and become a reality and women will be interested in you as a result. If you see yourself as boring or "just OK", then you will be seen this way by women. How you project yourself, which is related to how you see, think, and feel about yourself, is how you will be seen, thought of, and felt about.

To recap, it all starts within you. Eradicate your fears and insecurities, know that women aren't in short supply, and be interesting. This personality change will ensure that you can pick up virtually any woman, anywhere, any time. For more tips on picking up women, dating, sex, relationships, and love, subscribe to my newsletter to get the answers you seek.

Relationship Tips for Women - 3 Things That Should Make You Worry A Bit

Wondering about the status of your relationship can be alarming at times and sometimes it is better not to place so much attention on those things that make you worry. Sometimes it can do more harm than good. Of course, there are certain things that you do want to look out for, especially if you are hoping that the guy you are in a relationship with right now is going to be the one you are with a year from now.

Here are three things that I think you should worry about, at least a little bit:

1) You notice that he is acting very distant from you lately.

Sometimes this can be a sign that he is ready to leave you and by distancing himself, he is just making it easier for the day when he does end the relationship. Sometimes, it just means that he is going through something and the way that he knows how to deal with that is to distance himself. Whatever the reason might be, I would worry at least a little bit if you start to notice that your boyfriend is acting very distant from you lately. A shift in his behavior like that might not mean a thing, or it might mean that he is not going to be with you for much longer.

2) You feel like you just cannot seem to trust him, even though you really want to.

When you feel like you don't trust a guy you are dating, that is usually a cause for concern. One of the little tricks that women can sometimes play on themselves is to start to think that the problem is with them, when it is really with the guy that they are dating. If you are not usually jealous and suspicious in a relationship, but the guy you are with right now makes you feel that way... that might be something that is going to be an issue down the road and something that you want to pay attention to.

3) You can't seem to get him to open up about himself.

If you have tried a lot to get him to talk more to you or to open up more about himself and it doesn't seem to do much at all, then that may be something that is worth worrying about. Part of having a long term relationship is getting to know one another and if you can't seem to get him to open up about himself, then you might hit a point where you really don't feel that connected to him and that can sabotage the relationship.

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Unique Features of Dating Websites for Catholics

If you would ask the average single person how they are dating and meeting people today, many of them would probably say they have or know someone who has explored online dating. This newer form of dating is customized for people of various religions, ethnicities and life situations. singles dating sites have several unique features singles can take advantage of in their match search.

A single dating website is an ideal place for singles to congregate in a virtual setting with other singles who share the same faith. This is one of the unique features on a virtual dating service. The customized religious affiliation assures online visitors that all of the content they encounter on the site will have a "flavor" and embody the basic tenets of the faith. Websites such as Singles and Catholic Mingle are true online dating communities specifically geared toward single dating online who are looking for love and companionship.

Another unique feature of dating websites for is the thousands of Catholic faith based-members on the website. When singles search the site, they come across hundreds of profiles of people who, like them, believe in the Catholic faith and are looking for like-minded companions. singles dating sites are great faith-based forums where the Catholic faith is celebrated and discussion and relationship building is based on their common belief system.

Many of the singles dating sites are created and run by believers. This unique feature gives them an edge and a distinct perspective in designing a website that caters to the special values of singles. They are looking for other members who understand their worship, sacraments and educational values. The common value system shared by many members of the faith community is the basis for a common thread that is unique to single members on dating websites for Catholics.

One of the most attractive features of dating websites for is the free basic membership. This allows singles who come to the website to perform a basic search and get some kind of an idea of who the other singles on the website are and what they generally believe. They can also do a general profile and see the profile of others. This is the preliminary step before deeper conversation and more personal contact takes place. Single dating sites are safe, affordable ways to find a match with similar core values.

Catholic singles dating sites are popular amongst singles because of their unique, faith-based slant, community of singles and free basic membership. These special features give single dating online a safe, affordable online dating environment where they can meet, mingle and share ideas with their fellow singles in the online Christian community.

Relationship Advice - 5 Tips Why It's Best To De-Friend Your Ex on Facebook!

In the old days, breaking up meant not having to have any contact with your ex once the "dumping" was over. But today, technology makes the split much more difficult to finalize. While Facebook is great for staying in touch, there are times when we don't want that particular ability.

Here are five reasons why it's best to de-friend your ex:

1. No need to hide. We often feel the need to hide our new relationships from an ex. There are many reasons why we would feel compelled to do so...

• we feel guilty for moving on,
• we don't want to unnecessarily hurt them,
• we don't want to make them jealous of someone we are hanging around with.

The list goes on. If they can't see your profile, then there's no one to hide from.

2. It allows you to grieve in private. People often display their emotions on Facebook... especially if they are hurting. Your ex does not need to know about those feelings and you don't need to stifle your emotions. Solve both issues and keep the grief private.

3. It takes away the possibility you can remain friends. Being friends after a breakup might sound noble, but it usually is not a good idea. Friends confide in one another. Your ex isn't going to want to go from the position of being your partner and having so much to do with your life, to sitting back and watching you live life without them. It isn't fair and it isn't comfortable for either of you.

4. It allows you to separate yourself from the negativity of the relationship. Seeing your ex on Facebook is going to bring back memories... bad ones. You will read little comments, see their attitude being displayed, voicing their opinion, etc. All of this is going to trigger negative emotions and memories that will relive the "bad" of the relationship. You don't need to be reminded of any of those thoughts or feelings.

5. To allow you to grow. Growing and maturing is a natural by-product of a relationship that has ended. You have to be able to move on with your life and have new experiences. Your creative side could be held back if you feel someone is watching over you to see how you deal with various aspects of life generally.

This is the time to follow through with your dreams... dreams that might have been put on hold, or even totally suppressed during the relationship. Now, it's about growing!

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Relationship Advice - Regrets and Advice From A Divorcee!

Anyone who has ever gone through a divorce will tell you they have many regrets about the ending of their relationship. Going into marriage is such a new adventure with so many challenges; there are bound to be stressful times that come up. If you listen to advice from a divorced person telling you how to deal with those difficult times, it will help make your marriage stronger and aid in keeping you from becoming part of the divorce statistics.

Regret No. 1: Not expressing yourself. Your partner knows you love them... or else you would not have decided to get married, right? But just because the wedding ceremony is over, it doesn't mean your need to express your love for your partner should end too. Your partner really needs to see and hear about your love for them. They know the love is there, but they still need to see examples of it in their everyday life, not just on anniversaries, holidays, birthday, etc.

Regret No. 2: Not forgetting the past. The past is behind you for a reason. Since you can never go back and change it, why would you want to dwell on something you have absolutely no control over? Unless you fell in love as children and grew up together, we all have a history before we met our spouse. Digging into your past (that naturally does not include them), isn't fair for you to have to answer to... and it isn't fair for them to ask you to do that.

Regret No. 3: Fighting over money. Money fights are the number one cause for divorce. Each partner in an intimate relationship can have different views on money and still stay married. It's called communication. It's called compromise. When a husband comes home from work excitedly driving a new motor home and the couple is financially struggling, then this is a sign they are not communicating very well about their finances. Don't argue about money: talk about it!

Regret No. 4: Not listening. Hearing your spouse and listening to what it is they are actually saying, are two different things. We can hear them and still tune them out. But listening requires us to process the conversation and decide whether we are going to apply it to our relationship or ignore it's importance. Why is ignoring it so bad? Because, each time we make this choice, we are either strengthening or weakening our relationship.

This is a particularly important choice... because there will come a time when making the wrong decision could mean the end of your marriage.

This article is brought to you by DATING SERVICE.

Christian Dating: Six Reasons Christians End Up in Bad Marriages

Are you looking for Christian dating help that will enable you to understand the reasons Christians end up in bad marriages? Here are the six most common reasons:

Poor boundaries. Poor boundaries cause you to pick people who are unhealthy and then to tolerate things that are unacceptable. Boundaries protect you because you have standards and say no to things that aren't good for you. With good boundaries, you would recognize the unhealthy things about the person when dating and would end the relationship before it became serious. The longer you stay in a bad relationship, the increased chance you will begin to excuse and tolerate things that you shouldn't.

Recreate childhood dynamics. This is done unconsciously with the purpose of giving you a chance to win battles you couldn't win as a child. If abandoned, you pick someone who abandons you and you try to make stay. If you tried to change your parents and it didn't work, you pick someone who needs fixing and you try to change so you can prove that you are powerful enough to do that and it wasn't your fault that you failed as a child. If your parents were unavailable, you pick someone who is busy and inattentive and try to make pay attention to you. If your parents gave you conditional love, you pick someone who you try to make love you unconditionally.

Influence for good. You first date someone who isn't equally yoked in their spiritual life. You justify it by believing you can influence the person to either get saved or to make a deeper commitment to faith. Then once you fall in love with the person, you don't want to end the relationship so you get married believing the person will change from your positive influence. It isn't unusual either for a person to show an interest in faith while dating and then fall away from it after marriage.

Inexperience in relationships. Christians often feel committed to the church they attend and have limited options on who to date, especially when the church is small. This results in less dating and less experience to help you figure out who is the best partner for you. It also results in being gullible and naïve when you get involved with people who are manipulative and unhealthy because you have limited experience in dating.

Misunderstanding God's will. Christians often have misunderstandings about God's will and use circumstantial evidence to prove that God has ordained things. Here are some of the ways they misunderstand God's direction: The belief that things "happened" in a way that God brought about; the belief that God spoke personally about the person; and the belief that God gave a Scripture that confirmed the relationship. God uses all of these at times; however, the direction that God gives should line up with the Bible, sound counsel, and be confirmed by the person being right for you.

Commitment to vows. Christians that make a commitment to someone sometimes feel they have to keep their commitment or they are a bad witness. This can keep them in bad relationships when they would otherwise end the relationship. Your commitment has to first be to yourself. If you recognize at any point that a relationship isn't good for you, you need to end it, even if it is at the altar.

3 Powerful Tips to Getting Over Your Ex

No one ever said that breaking up with a loved one is ever easy. The most difficult part about this tragedy comes AFTER the break up. Soon after you both part from each other, your mind may be filled with tons of emotions of memories of you and your ex once being happy together. Your emotions will run at lightning speeds and you frequently feel hopeless about what lies ahead for your future, but it's something you will need to get over in order for you to finally move on and enjoy life again.

Many couples have been through this difficult event during some point in their lives. The main factor in moving on is your will and desire to want to move on. If you want to, then you will succeed. It will surely take a while for the pain to subside, but in the end it will be the best thing you can do for yourself. Life is full of wonderful and pleasant surprises ahead, and that's why you need to eventually accept your break up in order to welcome future opportunities of meeting new people. Here are three valuable tips to help you finally get over your ex:

1. Confront Your Pain and Let It All Out

I'm not gonna lie. There will be the turbulence of emotions running through your mind and your heart will feel a pain it's never imagined it can feel before, but if you have the desire to move on and let the pain subside, you will have to face your pain and accept it for what it is. Take some time to let all of your emotions of anger, sadness, and pain out by crying it out. This is a time of reflection with yourself and with what went wrong with you and your ex. Be sure you go through this period alone, meaning no receiving advice from others, including your closest friends and family. They may mean well by giving you their advice, but they aren't you and aren't experiencing the tragedy of your break up. So what they say is easier said than done. By the end of this week after having confronted your pain, you will clearly feel a difference in your spirits and emotions as it will have allowed you to purge out all that emotional baggage you've been keeping inside ever since the break up.

2. Be Conscious and Stop Thinking About Your Ex

After you've given yourself time to cry it out during the first step, you will then move on to this next one. You will need to completely remove anything from your home that brings back any traces of memories of your ex. This includes pictures of you two, pictures of him/her, gifts and meaningful items you both bought together, etc. Lock up the collections of love songs that have meaning behind it and remind you of your times together. Mute saddening love songs that will trigger your emotions for your ex to come back. Anything that brings forth memories of your ex will hinder you from getting over them, so please, do yourself a favor during this stage of overcoming your break up and store that baggage up so you can move forward to step three.

3. Look Forward To The Future

Keeping an optimistic outlook of your dating future may seem difficult, if not impossible, because you have just gone through what seems like one of the most tragic of all situations in your life. But in order to break through fully and move on for once and for all, you will have to welcome future opportunities with dating other people. You will soon realize that you can and will meet someone new who might be much better than your ex has ever been! Surround yourself with positive vibes and hang out at places where you can meet new people. You will be intrigued and amazed with how much fun you've been missing out on ever since your break up. Your spirits will turn around for the better and you will realize how easy it is to actually get over your ex... I wouldn't be surprised if you actually asked, "what ex".

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What to Do When Your Forgot About Your Anniversary

Picture the scene.

It's 150,000BC, Mr. Caveman and his tribe hunker down in the undergrowth ready to pounce on an unsuspecting Wildebeest.

They strike, capture the beast and chop him up ready for the journey back to camp.

They make their way into camp triumphant, keen to see the smiling faces of the tribes people.

But hang on, what's this? There are no smiles, just icy stares and scowls emanating from every face in the crowd.

It's at that moment it dawns on Mr. Caveman dun dun duuuun he's forgotten their anniversary!!

Mr. Caveman knows his fate is sealed. He is shunned from the tribe and lives out his days in exile destined to a life of isolation until eventually he is gobbled up by a passing T-Rex, a fitting punishment for such a heinous crime.

The tribes people rejoice safe in the knowledge that this awful man has met his fate.

The End

Not a likely scenario right?

Back in the good old days of Dinosaur Vs Man Men's duties were clear: 1) defend the camp and 2) hunt dangerous and delicious beasts. They weren't expected to worry about remembering their Anniversary or their Mums birthday.

We are a product of thousands of years of evolution but this focus on external factors remains prevalent in the male constitution. This, as Psychologist Dr Herb Goldberg points out, is part of the reason why a high percentage of men forget important dates like birthdays and anniversaries.

"They [men] are wired to focus on the external threats and pressures of the world outside of their "safe" relationships".

"In earlier times that meant hunting dangerous game and defending the homestead from marauding tribes but today is more likely to mean getting that promotion and ensuring that Jones from sales doesn't get it," Dr Goldberg says.

"A man who forgets an anniversary or birthday is not being cruel or deliberately hurtful but is disconnected from the personal realm by his focus on the external realm. Men can become so focused on things outside of the relationship - work, sport, and hobbies/interests that they become 'blind' to everything else."

Guys tend to remember important dates such as Mortgage payments and Insurance renewals but less logical events simply fall off the edge in the list of things to do.

We all know Men and Women think differently, there have been numerous studies documenting this and evidence suggests it's the same the world over.

In conclusion, Men are rubbish at remembering Birthdays and Anniversaries but they have a pretty good excuse.

However as any man who has forgotten his anniversary will know; having a good excuse will not prevent the inevitable tirade which follows any forgotten occasion.

It comes down to the fact that while it may not seem like a big deal to guys, it means a lot to the ladies.

A recent survey revealed that 88% of women would be hurt if someone close to them forgot their birthday and 55% would feel that person didn't care about them!

So guys buy a calendar, use a diary, write every date down on a post-it note and decorate your office with them, there are countless ways to ensure you don't forget these occasions. Don't leave these dates to tumble around in the jumbled up filing cabinet which is your head because they will fall out it's just a matter of time!

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The Number One Thing To Avoid When Talking To Women

When men talk to women, they often have no clue as to how many mistakes they make during the conversation. Because of this they often screw up their chances with the girl they are talking with, by saying or doing stupid things that make her lose interest.

The biggest mistake that I have seen men make though is what I call jumping through hoops. A lot of men have this idea that they have to jump through the hoops that women throw in front of them. They try to pass the tests that women give them.

The sad thing though is that most guys can't even spot a test when a woman throws it out, and even if he is smart enough to see she is testing him, he usually has no clue as to how to respond to the test.

The simple truth is, there is no magic formula when it comes to passing the tests that women throw at you. The first thing you need to do is get really good at spotting them. It happens in every conversation that women have with men. They say things to see how you will respond, they do things to see how you will react. And your response will either make them attracted to you or it will make them lose interest in you.

So how exactly do you make sure that your response is always the right one? It's quite simple really. So here goes.

Just show her that you aren't interested in trying to pass her tests.If she tells you to buy her a drink, tell her girls are there to buy you drinks not the other way round. The basic idea is really simple.

If you say or do the thing that you believe will impress her, she will pick up on that. And she will then assume that you are trying to get something from her. Most probably sex. She will then assume that everything you are saying or doing is your way of trying to get her into bed. This means you will automatically have no chance of getting her into bed.

On the other hand if you seem uninterested in passing her tests and impressing her, she will not think that you are trying to get her into bed. And by doing this she will then start thinking why. Every other guy tries to impress her but you aren't trying. Why?

Maybe because you have higher standards. Maybe she is not good enough for you. This will make her interested in you and you will notice that she will start chasing you.

This is exactly what you want.

But the only way to make it happen is to show her that you are not trying to pass her tests and that you are not interested in her. It might not make any sense, but it works over and over.

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Some Important Things to Do In Long Distance Relationships

One of my colleagues, always found stuck to computer screen, was in upset mood yesterday. Although she is less open to our other colleagues, I am fortunate enough to be in the list of her best friends. She disclosed the reason of being so upset and told that her online friend has duped her. I don't want you to face such situation in your life? So I am here to discuss some important things to do in long distance relationship. Here are some:

Use Google/Skype Video Chat

This is the first important thing to do in long distance relationship or before any long distance relationship begins. You should use Google, Skype or any other online video-chatting service in the initial phase of dating. You may be well aware of the fact that no relationship ever takes place without exchange of words/emotions. Eyes and lips work as the door to heart of each other in any relationship.

In long distance relationship, the webcam used in video chatting will substitute our eyes and lips. You will also be able to see your partner on the other side and may be able to decide whether he is capable of being "Mr. Right" for you or not.

Know the marital status of your online partner

Before starting online dating or online relationship, confirm the marital status of the guy on another side. Most of the guys' aspirants of online relationship lie about their marital status. They are less interested in serious relationship with you and use online long distance relationship as a mean of their part time joy. You should take help of some marriage bureau or private vigilance agents for confirming the credentials of online dating partner.

Do not disclose personal information too early

Until you are too confident about your choice as "Mr. Right", do not disclose personal information like personal email address, telephone number, bank account number and home address. This may create problem for you at any stage. A wicked guy may use this information to threaten or even to break you mentally as well as financially.

Know Identity of your partner

Some surveys have proven that about 90% of women involved in the online dating are emailing the same 10% men found always online. This means that the competition is tough for the women. A woman prefers online dating and relationship in the state of desperation to find her "Mr. Right". Do you think that online dating may be a better option in such a competitive scenario? Let us hope that you do not see the same guy on the computer screen of your friend someday trying to woo her also.

Prepare Yourself

Online dating may be a good option for you to find "Prince Charming" but only when you are well prepared. Do you have enough knowledge about the online dating and long distance relationships for facing such fierce competition?

I will suggest you to prepare well for long distance relationship before diving into online dating in order to save yourself from further desperation and wastage of time.

Thai Dating Advice for Westerners

Thai Dating Truth and Fiction

Generally speaking, Thai dating i.e. between a Western man and a Thai lady, is something that has led to many a broken heart (usually belonging to the Western man) and will probably lead to many more. The mistakes that foreigners make when looking for romance in the land of smiles are basic in nature. We in the West are quick to trust people because our culture values truth like no other. Liars are not liked and because of that we try hard to avoid lying, we also assume that other people do the same... even those from different cultures.

Don't go thinking that I'm accusing anyone from a different culture of being a liar and proud of it, I don't mean it that way. I just mean that in other cultures, and in Thai culture in particular, it may be that telling certain 'white lies' might be seen as being more acceptable in certain situations. I don't mean that lying itself is seen as being virtuous, just acceptable in some circumstances. Conflict avoidance in Thai culture is seen as being of absolute paramount importance, and telling a few untruths to avoid conflict is perfectly OK.

Thai Dating Site Advice

When it comes to what you will read/hear on a Thai dating website, I suspect that the boundaries between what is an acceptable lie and what is not are again less clear cut. For one thing, a typical Thai lady will make the welfare of her parents her number one priority in life. If telling a few white lies to Western men (who are usually thought to be a bunch of millionaires one and all) in order to find themselves a wealthy husband and thereby give them the ability to look after those parents, my advice is to be extremely suspicious of anything you hear or read from those Thai ladies. Your natural instinct to trust whatever you hear needs to be curtailed just a little!

If you are looking for someone special online then you need to be especially suspicious of what information you are being given. A Thai dating site will be host to plenty of Thai ladies that are there for purposes other than finding true love! That's not to say that these websites do not offer value, many of them offer great value and entertainment! They are perfect for getting in touch with Thai ladies from a distance, and even better for building up your familiarity and comfort with talking to people from a different culture. Don't be at all afraid of Thai dating online; just don't immediately assume that everything you read/hear is the truth.

An Exciting Opportunity

The way to get the most out of Thai dating websites is to spread your wings and talk with lots of girls. As you build up your experience you will be able to spot the more obvious tricksters and you will get a feel for what is true and what is fiction. There are plenty of genuine Thai ladies online, and you will be able to find them. Once you have found a few that you like and that like you, that's the time to set up some meetings in person. Heading to Thailand to meet some online friends that you have already gotten to know a little gives you an opportunity for a really exciting vacation!

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Getting Back Together - Is Your Ex Using You?

You and your ex are back together, but how are things going between you? Are you happy and fulfilled, with both of you working together to make your relationship better than it was before? Or have you settled for a few casual hookups and the occasional call or text? If so, you ex is probably just using you, and you need to do something now to change that.

When you want something from somebody who doesn't want to give it, it gives them power over you. This makes it easy for them to start using you. In getting your ex to take notice of you again, it's important not to make yourself too abject and available. This is why it is so important to get the right advice when you want to get your ex back.

Did they came back because they wanted to be with you; because you built up the attraction between you so that they saw you again as the one person they really wanted to be with? Or did they just give in to your begging and pleading and hook up with you one night? After a breakup, there are effective strategies you can follow which will reignite the passion and attraction in your relationship, and it is really important to get things right. Otherwise you are likely to end up just being used.

You ex may start to see you as a sort of prop in their life, a source of easy money or sex, or someone to fall back on when no-one else is available. If this is the pattern of your relationship now, then you have been using the wrong tactics, and you will need to be very tough with yourself to get things back on track.

First of all you have to call time on your ex taking you for granted, and make it clear that you are not prepared to spend time with them unless they are going to make a commitment to you. There is no point in wasting yourself on someone who doesn't return your love, as it will never make you happy. But it will take time and determination on your part to convince your ex that they can no longer take you for granted, and you will have to stick to your guns on this.

To avoid all this disappointment and hassle, it is better to use the right strategy from the start. Instead of being the supplicant, you need to rebuild the attraction between you and your ex so that they are the one wanting to get back together with you. When you attract them back (rather than persuading them to come back), you involve their imagination and their emotions much more effectively. This creates the romance and passion which will truly reignite your relationship.

It is also important not to make it too easy for your ex to get what they want. It is human nature to value something more when it cost some effort to get it, and unless you ex is prepared to put some effort into making things work, your relationship is not likely to recover. The trick is to motivate them so that they want to make that effort. That is why using the right strategies is so important.

Don't let your ex pressure you into doing anything before you are ready. Remember you are looking for a commitment here, as you do not want to end up in the position where you are being used. This will be difficult for you when you really want to be with them, but it is a good test of how sincere they are in wanting to get back together with you. If they are not willing to respect your wish to take things slowly, then they probably don't want you back for the right reasons.

If you are doing things right, your ex may become a bit impatient or frustrated, but you should make sure you get a commitment form them before making any big moves. When things have already gone wrong between you, it is vital that you create something strong between you first on which you can rebuild your relationship. You are trying to get things right this time, so you are entitled to take you time and feel confident about your ex's commitment before you let them completely back into your life.

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The Age Thing

Demi Moore and Madonna did it so if it feels good why not. I'm referring to women dating and even marrying someone who is at least ten years or more younger than themselves. Contrary to popular belief it's not a rare occurrence and there are many women who marry younger partners without encountering significant problems. Of course there are advantages to loving and marrying someone who is ten years or more your junior, not least of which is that it encourages you to maintain a younger, more vital and healthy appearance.

So what are some of the possible advantages of marrying someone who is a few years younger? Arguably once you are in your forties you would have attained financial security as well as a mature confidence in your own abilities. This isn't always as evident in younger people, who may still be struggling to make their mark in society. Once you are financially secure you should be more independent and able to be more flexible in your choice of a partner.

The current term for the older woman/younger man relationship is either that you are a 'sugar momma' or you may have a 'trophy husband'. I'm sure most women perceive of their mate as being special and something of a trophy, but having a young male who is tending to your every need has got to be a great plus. Additionally let's not forget that the female sexual appetite increases once she reaches sexual maturity in her thirties, and the young male is probably very virulent so the intimacy between this particular type of couple should ensure that they are able to sexually satisfy one another.

Moving swiftly on there are additional advantages to loving and marrying a man who is ten years or more your junior? One definite advantage is most females would have been through the stage of academic achievement, and are quite likely to have a well established career. The likelihood is that they would not want children or anymore children, thus any additional financial strain in starting a new family may well be avoided. I don't mean to be cynical, but rearing a child in today's economic climate can have severe financial as well emotional repercussions. The majority of mature woman are emotionally secure and have a well-developed self-esteem. They know their own self-worth, are usually effective communicators, and capable of making positive lifestyle decisions. Another positive about maintaining a relationship with an older woman is that they are less likely to cheat on you. Additionally if you date and eventually have a long term relationship with an older woman the likelihood is that she is less likely to 'mess' with your head or play with your heart. She invariably knows what she wants and how to achieve her goals. In suggesting this I believe that the older female is not interested in scoring points, and trying to ensure you respond to her every whim. In fact the more mature woman is much more likely to be supportive, caring and to place your needs before her own. Given the accuracy of this reasoning it may well be that the mature woman isn't as high maintenance, as she already has a healthy positive self image, and is quite capable of looking after herself.

Essentially I believe there are a multiplicity of reasons why a relationship with an older woman is worth considering. The older women have a wealth of knowledge, and may well be more sexually experienced and liberated than a younger woman. However, as in most things, especially relationships there are difficulties, or the downside, so to speak. In considering a relationship with an older woman you should take into consideration that they may be too old to have children. By the age of about 48 years, most women's bodies begin to change and as they become pre-menopausal and then menopausal the ability to conceive lessens. You should also take into consideration that if conception is possible there is a high possibility that a child could be mentally handicapped. In the main most woman in this age group have already raised their children, and are less likely to want additional children, preferring perhaps to be adoring grandparents. Another factor in child rearing is that as we get older our energy levels may become severely depleted making caring for a child a little more difficult.

Another factor to take into consideration when dating and marrying an older woman is that while I believe the more mature figure is quite attractive some might argue that physically they are not as attractive as a younger woman who also has far fewer wrinkles. It's also important that you take into consideration that the older person who will probably age gracefully is more likely to get ill and may require need care as opposed to the younger person who is probably in robust health, consequently the role of carer may come into play earlier than one might have anticipated.

On a more positive note an experienced and knowledgeable companion is a plus, and if you share similar interests, and communicate effectively, then there are many advantages to this particular type of relationship.

Whatever you choose, follow your heart!

Veronica Williams

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Everyone Loves in Different Ways

Everyone loves in different ways. People have their own way of expressing love. Some people keep it underneath a thick exterior, while others are very openly affectionate. Each person also needs a certain type of love. The common point is that everyone wants to feel loved. When you're single finding someone to love you, the way you want to be loved, seems like a never-ending task. When you find someone that will love you, keeping the love strong becomes the new problem.

So how do you keep love strong? What things need to be done? That, my friend, is the question of the ages. Everyone changes over time, which makes relationships difficult. Change occurs when you have kids, go through troubling times, and lose your job; anything that puts stress on a person. The key is to learn each other's changes, and learn to love them.

Each change takes time to occur, giving you and your spouse time to adjust to them. When you feel that your love is slipping what do you do? How do you repair a broken relationship? I have no answer to this problem.

I will be honest I am a little needy in a relationship. I want to feel wanted every day. I am not saying I want my man to be right up under me, no. Although I want to receive attention and affection daily. I don't want a puppy dog, or puppy love; I want a strong loving man. Give me affection and a little attention and I will be satisfied.

Generally men tend to need less from a relationship, but that is not always true. Women typically want love and affection regularly, getting adequate affection usually keeps women satisfied on that aspect. Both partners need a physical relationship with each other, no matter what the other says. Physical aspects of the relationship keep intimacy alive.

Intimacy in a relationship can make or break it. No, intimacy is not just physical it's emotional too. Just spending time together doing things that the other likes to do is intimate. Even something as simple as snuggling on the couch watching a movie is intimate. Take a little time to learn small things about each other so you know each others needs.

So keeping your relationship strong is a daily process. No relationship is perfect and every one takes work. Stay consistent and love. Good luck.

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Relationship Theory

The Relationship theory state in all relationships we are either in recovery or relapse, Assuming we all interact with different elements present in our environment the intensity (energy) of different relationships grows stronger or weaker as life happens; For example, our first relationship being the bond between mother and child. Survival depends on less more intense relationships, as an infant then for a toddler, or teenager. Another way to say this would be the amount time involved in a mother-child exchange has a major significance to one's existence. Relationships result in tension (friction) causing a discomfort (stress) Recovery from tension relieves the symptoms of friction. Relapse is a conscious or unconscious reversion back to an unhealthy relationship. RT assumes we all have a tendency to be drawn to particular relationships with a propensity toward stressful and unhealthy ones, relapse inevitably will follow. Becoming aware of such relationships enables us to choose alternative methods of behavior reducing relationship intensity. An example would be an alcoholic working at a bar, or a sex offender living close to their substance (relationship) of choice. Relapse prevention is an ongoing process of recovery.

Being aware of our relationships, knowing which one are stressful, alternative actions can be tried. Knowing how and when relapse happened, the results for the next encounter with a given relationship can be changed to have a different outcome. Being able to recognize which relationships may cause us harm and understanding how our behaviors and attitudes contribute toward involvement in harmful relationships, we are able to better assess the potential harm a particular relationship is currently having on ourselves and others.Developing an awareness and ability to recognize which relationships are harmful can be a motivational influence in developing different thought patterns, and behaviors to reduce stress and relapse. Becoming aware of such relationships avails opportunities to choose alternative methods of behaving which reduce relationship intensity even further. What is important in Relationship Theory is self-motivated internally induced willingness to explore better relationships. Using Motivational Interviewing and Brief Interviewing Relationship Theory can be used with individuals, groups and families.

Brief Interventions for substance abuse empower individuals to take small steps to behavioral change. A substance abuse problem may not always be the presented problem. Recognizing changing behavior takes action on an individual basis is a vital part of treatment outcome. Motivational interviewing techniques are designed to help clients recognize their ability to manage parts of life by changing behaviors. As with BI Motivational Interviewing sees "moving toward any decision" is worth consideration, and can contribute to motivation in the future. Harm reduction also considers small change as good change. When coupled within the Relationship theory paradigm abuse and dependence become associations producing a relationship that produces less stress (recovery) or one of disease (relapse). No judgment is placed on either state of mind. Being aware of our relationships, knowing which one are stressful, alternative actions can be tried. Knowing how and when relapse happened, the results for the next encounter with a given relationship can be changed to have an alternative outcome. Motivation comes from within, as realizations that as thoughts change so can behaviors. MI, BI, and HR all recognize the importance of self-empowerment. The Relationship Theory Give us a simple chart to place relationships in and to measure their effectiveness.

Brief Interventions

Brief Interventions fill part of a "hole" between prevention efforts and more serious treatment (TIP 34, samhsa, p XV). It can also reduce the amount the cost of emergency room visits in the future. By catering to the presented problem of each individual BI can effect changes in client's behavior. The ultimate goal is to reduce the harm when there is continued use of drugs changing behavior, If not addressed the result could be harmful. A more comprehensive goal would include a specific goal for each client, established by mutually agreed on use pattern (TIP 34). BI takes small steps to confirm clients overall belief in self, and willingness to take actions to make a change.

The acronym FRAMES give a road map when done with a pension can produce expected results. Goals achieved. Using basic listening skills efficiently enables the counselor to engage clients using Feedback, empowering Responsibility, give suggestions based on best practice principles, explore (Menu) options of possible behavior changes, showing Empathy, and promoting Self-efficacy (TIP 34 2008, Osborn, 2008). BI "should be targeted specifically to those who are relatively low on the readiness-to-change continuum (Osborn, 2008, p. 155)."The best way to look at BI is as a short term, Informative treatment with flexible goals, allowing individuals to decide on control or abstinence. BI is a detailed, attentive process relying on assessment, engagement, and prompt application of change strategies (TIP 34).

Harm Reduction

The HR model seeks to reduce harm caused by substance abuse. For example an individual presenting the problem of having multiple driving under the influence charges may see the problem as being in the wrong place at the right time. They just seem to be caught more than others. They may feel their drinking is not a big problem, but the problem is they get caught driving while over the legal limit. They may feel since they have been drinking for some time they can handle their intoxication better than they know. So what is the presenting problem? Is it drinking or is it driving under the influence? What choice does this individual have that will reduce the potential of being caught once again with another DUI? Two options are obvious. One is to stop drinking another is to stop driving while intoxicated. The natural choice would be to stop driving under the influence. Discussions based on Harm reduction would concentrate on ways to drink and not drive such as having a designated driver, drinking at home, or reduce the amount drunk or abstain from alcohol consumption when driving is anticipated. Harm reduction focuses on changing behavior seen as potentially harmful to oneself and others. Driving under the influence has a great potential to harm others as well as one self. Reducing the potential to harm others demonstrates an individual's ability to willingly accept responsibility for their actions.

Other forms of HR are needle exchanges for IV users, reducing the harm of using dirty needles may cause to the user. Methadone programs are used as a drug replacement to reduce the urges to get high. Pharmacological interventions have been used to facilitate detoxification. Counseling as a form of education can be beneficial in helping individuals recognize potential harm substance abuse may be causing in their lives. Once change is considered than options can be explored. Methods used in harm reduction counseling encompass Brief Interventions such as empowering clients to embrace self-worth, Motivational Interviewing by encouraging setting goals that strengthen self-efficacy, and exploration into better life skills.

Motivational Interviewing

"Change is the central feature of any therapeutic interaction (Aasheim & Wallace, 2008, p. 131)." Like BI MI is a relationship-centered client-centered system of change. By understanding where each client is on a scale of motivation to change methods can vary. The goal is to guide an individual in a course of discovery, where hesitation towards change is diffused. The stage of change one is in could be pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance and relapse. The four key attitudes embraced in MI are expressing empathy, developing discrepancy, rolling with resistance and support self-efficacy (Aasheim & Wallace, 2008).

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How to Flirt on Facebook - A Guide for Men

In this day and age, almost everyone is on Facebook. It's one of the first things people do once they meet. They know each other's names, so they add each other on Facebook.

This can be great for your dating life. You can meet a woman once, and then very easily catch up with her by sending her a message on Facebook. That's something you never could have done before, unless you had the nerve to ask her for her phone number or a date on the first time you met her. So it seems like Facebook makes dating easier.

But it can have the opposite effect. Because a lot of guys who are really good at talking to women online are terrible at talking to them on Facebook. And that makes sense. It is a totally different way to communicate. For one, you can use the body language that most people use in person. And you have to suddenly care about how you type things. Should you type lol or hahaha? They are tricky questions, and the answers can escape even the most experienced offline flirter. But there are answers to all of the most important flirting questions when it comes to flirting.

First thing we need to deal with is poking. When poking was introduced, it was clearly put in place to make it easier to flirt. But should you use it? It validates that rule I generally have that says you shouldn't be too explicit about your interest in a woman until you're sure that she has feelings for you to. So my policy when it comes to poking women on Facebook? Let her start it. If she's the kind of person who gets a kick out of poking, she'll poke first and you can return it. That way you'll never poke anyone who thinks poking is stupid.

When it comes to how to type your words, my rule is to just follow however she is typing. If she doesn't capitalize, you don't have to either. In fact, you shouldn't. If the way you type is drastically different from how she types, there will be a disconnect. That would be like an in person conversation where one of you is talking in a fancy British accent, and the other was talking like a gangster. You will probably not end up dating if that's the situation.

Those are the basics to flirting on Facebook.

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Changing Your Dating Life For the Better

If you think that you're going to be able to turn your dating life around with ease, I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but you're probably wrong. That just isn't the way things work. There is a lot that is different between a man who gets dates whenever he wants, and a man who never gets dates, and making all of those changes is going to take time. And if you try to do them all at once, you're just aiming yourself towards failure. So what is the best way to make these changes?

You need to decide on things you want to change in your every day life. Maybe you need to start shaving every day, because you don't look good with stubble, or maybe it's as basic as cleaning yourself every day. You need to start with these fundamental, daily changes, because they will become habits the easiest. If someone is in a really bad place, I will often suggest that they spend the first month just trying to establish good habits in the place of bad ones. This is because once you've established a habit, it'll stick with you, and it makes the other changes you need to make easier.

The biggest change, though, that a lot of men need to make, is that they need to start talking to women. It is really easy to slip into a place where you never talk to women, and that can make things incredibly hard. You'll start just assuming that conversations with women go the same as they do in the movies, and that kind of thinking can be completely lethal. So you need to find places to talk with real women. You can find my suggestions for places to meet women elsewhere, but for this in particular I really suggest speed dating: make a hundred first impressions, and see how women react, in a single hour. Possibly the best way to spend your time.

And finally, I see a lot of guys who suddenly had an epiphany that they need to get on top of their dating life, so they decide they're going to change everything at once. That isn't going to work. I've never seen someone turn their dating life around in a couple of days. It takes weeks at a minimum, maybe a year maximum if you're really working at it.

But it is possible, and there's nothing wrong with baby steps. They'll pay off in the end!

Tips on How to Attract Women - 3 Things That Will Always Make You Seem More Appealing

If I were to ask most guys what would three things be that would always make you seem more appealing to women, I already have a hunch what the most common answers would be. They would say money, muscles and good looks. If you were to believe that and you were making average money, you weren't a gym rat, and you were just average looking, you'd probably assume that you did not have much of a chance of being able to attract women. While money, muscles and good looks are definitely good things to have, they are not what I am going to be talking about in this article.

There are OTHER things that will make you seem more appealing to women that just about any guy can work on. While they may not help you hook up with that French supermodel who prefers her men to look like a movie star and drive her around in a Ferrari, they should help you do well with most women nonetheless.

Here are those tips on how to attract women that will always make you seem more appealing:

1) You'll always come across as a guy women want to check out if you know how to dress well.

There is a good reason why they say "the clothes make the man." Women will check you out if you are dressed well, even if you don't happen to have a lot of money or muscles. There are many ways that you can dress well on the cheap, so don't assume that you have to spend a lot of money to dress nicely.

2) Women will find you more appealing when you know how to make eye contact with them.

Making eye contact is actually really important. You can't expect to hear a woman say that she would love to go out on a date with you if you can't even seem to look her in the eyes. You also can't expect her to say yes to dating you if you give her one of those cold, creepy stares that some men give off.

3) Smile more often.

Yep, doing something as simple as smiling more often is going to make you seem more approachable, it is going to make you seem like you are happier, and those are things that are going to make you come across as being more appealing. Having a serious look on your face all of the time is not really the way to go if you are hoping to get some female attention headed in your direction.

Dangers That You May Face at a Bar or on Blind Dates

Keeping fantasy and fiction aside that mentions meeting vampires on blind dates or at bars, let us look into some serious issues related to dating an unknown person or being at a bar. But before we venture into details here, it is important to make one thing very clear; bars are not a bad place and going on blind dates can be real fun. No one is bad-mouthing either of these. The motive here is to ensure that you are alert and attentive enough to not fall into any trap or trouble.

At bar:

• If you are a woman and going to a bar all alone, it is very common to come across people who would want to buy you a drink. But, if you are not attentive, chances are that they may slip some drug into it. Whatever follows, it need not be mentioned here.

• You may find someone attractive there. He may use catchy pick-up lines too. He may even succeed in convincing that he is a nice guy. But if you let him go ahead and get physical with you, kiss you, touch you, hug you or move out with him to some other place, then he may very well take advantage of you. If you are not looking for a stand or no-strings-attached stuff, then you may go ahead. But it is really not advisable.

• Fraudsters also frequent such places. Methods may vary but you can get scammed too. So, it is important that you use wisdom and brains and not fall for glittery and fake stuff.

• Drug abuse, alcohol and smoking etc. is also common. If you drink or smoke, you should do it in control and not take offerings from strangers. Whatever the case is, strictly avoid drugs and drinks from others.

• Lastly, do not wander alone around any bar after dark. Good idea is that you bring someone along. Otherwise, you can ask one of the security guards to leave you to your car or help you in calling a cab etc.

At blind date:

• Strictly avoid asking your blind date to pick you up or drop you after the date. Do not disclose your address or such personal details, even during the date.

• Make sure you both decide on a place that is not deserted. Public place is a good idea or a restaurant where there are a number of other people around you.

• If possible, avoid alcohol. But if it is needed, then make sure you consume it in limits.

• Inform a close friend or relative about your scheduled date, duration and place.

• Don't think about proceeding with physical intimacy immediately after your blind date with that stranger.

• Immediately leave after your date is over. Try not to walk off the distance. Rather, call a cab, but stay inside until the cab is right outside the main door. If you have your own conveyance, then get inside and immediately lock the doors. Drive out immediately.

• Do not wear revealing clothes. Don't give out wrong signals. It will only make you vulnerable.

How to Get Back With My Ex Girlfriend - She Dumped Me!

When one joins the ranks of the "newly dumped" the situation can (and often does) seem hopeless. Emotions and tension tightly wound, perhaps harsh words, often regrettable, makes the immediate future look very bleak, especially if the breakup catches you by surprise; you thought everything was humming along. Then, in a stunning instant, your whole world is upside down.

Whether you saw it coming or not, whatever prompted the breakup, whoever was at fault, one can never regret taking the high road. But before you focus on the "how to get back with your ex girlfriend", you probably should clarify in your own mind where you stand as far as the break up itself is concerned.

How Does She Really Feel About You?

Whatever the cause of the break up and who was responsible, it is a matter of whether or not you can both rise above it. It's really a futile situation to go through the motions of getting back together, and have you or your re-united ex, keep tearing the scab off of old issues, resulting in ongoing, recurring battles. So unless there can be a genuine settling of the issues that led to the break up, any advantage of re-uniting is very fleeting.

Attitude is All Important. Do you have enough insight, understanding and determination to turn things around? Your attitude makes all the difference. Attitude is the thing that takes you places, makes things happen, or NOT happen. But of course, you still need the willingness of your ex to reach an agreement with you.

If the blame for the break up was mostly on you, and you really want to reunite, rather than getting back together, your primary focus should be on you becoming a better you. This is really the big picture: How can I make me a better me so she would want me back.

Think back to when you first met. How are you different? What changed in you that she did a 180 on you. Try to get back to that person you were then. Or did she change, or did both of you change?

Going through a break up is one of life's major emotional trials, and unless you know the right steps to take, your gut feeling or intuition are not going to serve you very well, in fact, that approach is more about frustration and wheel spinning.

How Much Time are You Willing to Waste?

A lot of trial and error can put you on the wrong side of where you want to be with your ex. On the other hand, it is nothing short of amazing how fast the right information get you on the fast track to reuniting with your ex For starters, you probably need an apology (coming from you). If you have read my other articles, you are likely aware that "I'm Sorry" just doesn't cut it. Discover the sincere, heartfelt approach to apologizing--it's in a very valuable, FREE download called The Clean Slate Method. Also, you may want to Read my review of The Magic of Making up, which has helped Tens of Thousands of Exes get their ex back. Check out MOM, by TW Jackson, here > > > http://yesiwantmyexback.com/mom-review/

This article is brought to you by DATING SERVICE.

How You Can Get Your Ex to Want YOU Back

The most effective way to get back with your ex is to make them want to get back together with you. After a breakup, you may find that your ex avoids you and refuses to communicate with you, so you need to get around this problem. If you can do this, all the barriers stopping you from getting back together can be broken down, as your ex's hostility is overcome. Not only will they stop avoiding you; but you will find them actively chasing after you wanting a reconciliation.

Beware though that it takes a great deal of verve and confidence to carry this off. If you are still very upset about the breakup, and find it difficult even to keep your cool in the presence of your ex, then this method is not for you. You need to be able to send out the right vibes, to be calm and in control of yourself, and you need to be able to keep this up for as long as it takes. There is no way of knowing or predicting how quickly your ex will respond.

How you need to behave is completely counter-intuitive to the way you feel after the one you love has just dumped you. There is lots of help available to show you how you can do this, but it is essential that in public you always look good, sound upbeat and act as if you are moving forward into a whole new, exciting phase of your life.

What you are aiming to do is remind your ex of the person they first fell in love with by being that person again. When you are in a relationship it is easy to lose sight of the person you are as an individual, and to become subsumed in the relationship. This is bad for the health of both the relationship itself and you as an individual. You should always try to keep your friends, your interests and your hobbies active. This makes you a multi-dimensional person and more likely to have positive things to contribute to your relationship.

By becoming the person your ex fell in love with, there is every chance that they will fall back in love with you again! The idea is for you to become your best self, the kind of person that anyone would be attracted to, including your ex. Being your best self will boost your own spirits and confidence, and create a buzz around you that will draw people in and make them want to be with you. This is the effect you are aiming to create.

To make this strategy work, you need to rebuild contact with your ex, and make sure you are seen in places where they or their friends are likely to be. That way your ex is sure to see or hear about you regularly. Re-establishing contact can be done by talking directly to your ex, but it may be better to do it by letter or email. Consider sending a letter even if you don't generally write them. This shows self-discipline and commitment in a way that instant communication doesn't. Make it clear that you now believe that what has happened was for the best.

Having accepted the breakup, you need to focus on getting on with the rest of your life. Now that everything is out in the open, and the tension and quarrels that marked the end of your relationship are over, you can show your ex that the future is going to be very different. Make it clear that you are looking ahead now, although you will never forget the good times you had together.

Now you need to focus on yourself. If there are things that you have always thought of doing, and places you have always imagined visiting, then this is the time to do something about it. No matter how you feel inside, get out of the house and been seen to be having a good time. Join your friends on outings, take trips away and show the world that you are happy and taking control of your life.

Keep how you look in mind too. Don't even step out of the house looking scruffy, and think about your diet and exercise regime too. Eating junk food shows in your face and figure, so watch your food intake and eat plenty of fruit and vegetables to keep your skin glowing. It is good to work out regularly too: exercise releases endorphins which lift your mood and make you feel good, as well as keeping you physically in shape. And the better you look, the greater your confidence and self-esteem will be.

Another way to boost your confidence and social cachet is to start dating again. Even though you still want your ex back, you can start talking, flirting and going on a few casual dates. Be honest with your dates by saying that you have just finished an intense relationship and are not looking for anything serious. Remember that people always want what they can't have, and showing that you are a magnet to the opposite sex will enhance your credibility and value in your ex's eyes.

Most of all you want to stay in touch with your ex, and make sure they know all about the exciting things you are doing these days. This doesn't mean daily contact, or doing anything that could be interpreted as hassling or stalking them. Just make sure they know about all the new things that are happening in your life. You want them to see how well you are doing, both socially and physically.

You also want them to become comfortable enough around you to share news of your lives and recent doings. It is essential that you keep them aware of how great your life is now, but don't forget to be a bit wistful too and say (once) how sorry you are that things didn't work out between you. Knowing you have regrets will keep the door open in their mind for reconciliation, and will remind them of what they have lost.

Be patient and accept that all this will take time. You need to seduce them slowly by showing them with what they have lost. Treat them is a manner that is almost, but not quite, flirtatious. Teasing can be very effective, and so can the occasional bout of empathy. But don't make the mistake of lingering when you see them, and trying to draw out your encounters. Make it clear that your time is limited and always be the first one to leave. Eventually your being just out of reach will be too much for them, and they will start actively pursuing you.

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Alone Again, Naturally - Here's How You Can Get Your Life Back!

We grow up, we become responsible adults and good citizens and, if we're lucky, we fall in love. Ah, Love - that happy state which, when you enter, you are no longer alone, no longer a singleton, and two people become an item. You have a significant other in your life. Marriage may follow or, at least, a life-long commitment to a partner. You become happy and content. What can go wrong?

Well, sadly, things can, and do, go wrong - to bring to an end that once comfortable arrangement. There are many ways of losing a previously loved one. Premature death of one partner can seem cruel, while you just couldn't have imagined that divorce could ever happen to you. Sometimes, people simply drift apart, you may be jilted or infidelity in the relationship proves too much of a cross to bear.

There you are, 'alone' again, naturally. This can seem very strange, even scary after being an item for so long. The infrastructure of your very existence, from preparing the evening meal you cook, attending family events, to booking to see your favourite band, has suddenly changed. It's almost like going back in time.

To re-adjust; you have to adopt a new modus operandi - but only after a period of acceptance (bereavement in the case of the passing away of a partner), which can take months to years to pass, and it has to run its course. Only when you feel you're ready, should you take steps to 'move on'. Sadly, a proportion will never move on.

A time will come when you might feel particularly lonely, when you envy those couples holding hands in the park and when you feel your friends, trying to be nice, include you in events where, sans partner, you feel the odd one out. You begin to miss close company, intimacy and the unselfish act of sharing. You want your life back.

So you're ready to take that first step to a new chapter in your life. But how? The easiest, softly-softly approach, is by going online and joining a dating site. There you can control the how, the when, the where of meeting a future potential partner or companion. Sure, you've heard some horrible stories of people being taken for a ride with Internet dating, but that doesn't have to happen to you if you're careful and you choose a site where safety and confidentiality are taken seriously. You can browse profiles from the comfort of an armchair and take your time before ever deciding to meet up. A period of exchanging emails, followed by telephone conversations, can provide a re-assuring buffer. And if your new-found friend is on a social networking site, like Facebook, you should consider signing up also, where you can learn so much more about him/her. Nowadays, there is no longer a stigma attached to this way of meeting a future partner; in fact, it's becoming very common. It's also far less random than traditional dating since you can explore common interests and values even before you meet.

With that said and done, online dating should not preclude you from meeting people in 'offline' ways. Here are a few suggestions:

• Use an introduction agency or singles club. These can be pricey and are normally limited to the local area.


• Join a dance class! An excellent way of meeting a lot of people in a short space of time and a splendid pursuit for a healthy mind and body.


• Consider local clubs in the area. Your library should have details of may different activities in your locale. The subject areas are too numerous to mention but they can sporty, academic or highly specialized. Horses for courses!


• Become a volunteer. You will do a lot of good and it's a great way of meeting like-minded people.


• Solo travelling. It's amazing the people you can meet on your travels. But remember that a long-distance relationship, should that transpire, is not for the feint-hearted! If you have concerns about the safety of travelling solo, you might like to take a friend along who is also single, or join a website that finds you travel companions.


• Be open-minded. You might meet that special person when you're not looking, like in a store, coffee or book shop. Be friendly and always have a smile - a great currency when exchanging glances!

To name just a few.

You can get you life back on track, if having a partner again is what you want, but don't rush into it and approach it intelligently. You will find the necessary investment in time and effort well worth it. Good luck!

Maybe This Time Dating