"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Albert Einstein
Evolving into our own person requires strength of character and confidence in our own abilities to make decisions. Others can unwittingly destroy the seeds of self-esteem planted within us. People proclaim authority over others with or without consent. We must realize that with power comes responsibility.
We teach our children to include others and to share and take turns when they play, yet we, as adults, at times like to exclude others we don't consider appropriate to our criterions. We hate to take turns. We at times like to have it, do it, make it, and force it our way. What we teach our children is what we need to emulate in our own behavior. Asking ourselves where the other person's freedom is to select and choose and do and make, might help us understand the discrepancies in our thinking. How would we feel if we were the people always receiving the leftovers?
Social intelligence is acquired through thought processes. But if we don't take the time to consider the options, then we will never arrive at the socially moral answers. Unchecked authority and manipulation breeds the destruction of others. Bosses pressure their workforce to perform. If the workers do poorly it is on the employees shoulders to face the consequences. If the personnel do well the boss gets all or most of the credit. When people work as a team, the outspoken person gets most of the recognition even if all were involved in the discussion. The promotion goes to the loudest wheel. In most interviews, the timid person is the loser. We like aggressive people and we feel confident in their power and command. In a true emergency it is the deliberating person who makes the best decision. Many aggressive people might be thinkers but not all thinkers are necessarily aggressive.
Having supremacy over another compels us to nurture and aid those we influence. Mothers-in-Law have the ability to manipulate their sons. Daughters-in-Law can easily bias their husband's beliefs. The man, who is caught in the middle of two powerfully manipulating people, potentially loses his power completely. He might then be accused of weakness. We don't see the damage we instigate in any of these struggles. Instead we regard a peaceful answer as a drawback. Fear and guilt are two traveling buddies we can call upon to state our case when we want the control. At that point we have lost our reflective process and our humanity.
A worker cannot function forever out of anxiety and self-reproach. In a relationship of any kind, the constant pressure of proving our loyalties becomes tedious and burdensome. In the end everyone loses. The boss gets less from his worker because the worker gives up on the possibility of ever pleasing his boss. The husband gives up his attempts at a peaceful co-existence between his wife and mother. This in turn causes less attention and support for our children and us, and an atmosphere of friction.
The answer might simply be to avoid controlling others. Directing and collaborating is fine. Compromising and discussing alleviates anger and promotes calmness to the situation. Anyone can feign toughness, loudness, forcefulness and belligerence. Most of us will step out of the way of such a person. It takes character, social intelligence, insight and respect for others to work in the opposite direction and bring a positive solution to a vexing situation. The result is an overwhelming uplifting of our whole self and a lightness of mind and body. We have entered an altruistic state of being. Moral elevation is worth more than any award or promotion one could ever receive.
"The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it but what they become by it." John Rushkin
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