The "choices" you make when choosing a partner as well as when reacting and behaving in the relationship are often unconscious and affected by a host of factors from the past which control you (such as fears and needs, messages you internalized at a young age, your perception of reality, expectations and fantasies about how relationships "should" look like). These factors often lead you to sabotage your relationships. Becoming aware of such factors and of the power they exert over you enables you to understand how they impact your "choices". Becoming aware empowers you to make conscious choices in finding and developing a healthy intimate relationship.
How being "sick" sabotages relationships (Example)
PABLO
Pablo is often sick and always expected Doreen to take care of him. When she doesn't, he protests angrily and demands more attention. The more time passes and the more often Pablo gets sick, the more they argue.
Feeling frustrated, unloved and uncared for, Pablo decides to find consolation by talking with a mutual friend, Maria. Maybe she will understand him!
Maria encourages him to find out what makes him so certain that Doreen should always take care of him. Maria makes him realize that he has been sick too often, and encourages him to wonder whether it is "fair" of him to expect that Doreen will devote so much time caring for him.
Pablo disagrees with Maria completely: no, he has not been sick too often and yes, Doreen should take care of him when he's sick.
Analysis
Pablo's reaction is a typical behavior which we can see repeated by many: he denies and rejects the possibility that his behavior is sabotaging his relationship. He defends his stance that Doreen should take care of him as often as he's sick.
Still, the conversation with Maria triggers something in Pablo. He realizes that he has been sick too often in past relationships also and has expected his previous partners to always take care of him - just as he expects Doreen to do now. After all, isn't it what a relationship and intimacy are all about? But he also realizes that former partners have been mad at him for exactly the same reasons and that many of his relationships have ended due to conflicts and arguments around this same issue. Does he want his relationship with Doreen to end as well?
Analysis
Pablo becomes motivated to question, for the first time in his life, his being sick so often and tries to understand where it comes from. When he looks back and pays attention to his behavior with previous partners, he realizes that becoming sick has been a recurring situation.
Puzzled, Pablo makes an appointment with a therapist. It doesn't take him long to understand that he expected all his partners to take care of him just like his mother did. He realizes that he has unconsciously "chosen" to become sick in order to get their attention, be pampered and loved. He behaved as if there was no other way to feel loved and be cared for.
The Power of Awareness
Having gained this awareness, Pablo can now choose a more effective behavior vital to a mature, healthy and intimate relationship.
Just like Pablo, you might at times be triggered to begin your journey to Self-Awareness by a comment made by someone close to you, a book you read or a movie you see. When you are truly motivated to understand how you sabotage your relationships, you get up the courage to embark on such a journey. At times you can proceed on your own, reading books and articles on the subject and/or attending Self-Awareness workshops. And at times you might need someone to help you with the process - a counselor, therapist, whom you might meet for a few sessions. Whichever way you choose to become aware, developing Self-awareness enables you to choose more effective behaviors vital to developing a healthy intimate relationship.
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